Train the kids, also, is what I’m trying to say here.

Animals are very tricky to work with.

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“Shot on location — in my bathroom!“

Try to avoid making a movie that takes place in a cramped location, such as a bathroom stall.

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Aw…. busted!

If a prop or setpiece or other object breaks, immediately let someone know.

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Plus, er, earplugs.

When using a microphone, watch the sound levels of the recording device.

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Band-Aids don’t always work.

There’s a reason ordinary people don’t do explosive squibs all the time — because it’s so easy to screw up.

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Hot Set

Know what part of the set is Hot Set.

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The owner pulls the tenant’s strings.

Leave the location cleaner than when you arrived, and be gracious and grateful to your host. Even if you paid. Even if they were jerks.

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Get every single punch!

If you’re shooting a fight scene, get a lot of coverage. A lot. Every possible angle you can. Overshoot.

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This requires depth, however…

You can rehearse until you’ve lost the feeling in your genitalia, but unless the Actors understand and have integrated the characters, the performance will never be better than memorized lines. The Director must work with them to help them understand the characters.

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Science can save your skin!

If you can feel heat through your gloves, whatever you’re holding is hot enough that you want to find a way to put it down right now. It’s just going to get hotter. You don’t want that on your hands. Literally.

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Don’t let a cuppa joe spoil your shoot.

If there’s going to be any sort of mess on set at all, such as effects or rain or anything, bring an extra set of clothes. Even if there isn’t going to be anything tricky, having an extra set of clothes handy won’t kill you.

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Permission trumps forgiveness.

Always make sure your permits are in order before lighting anything on fire. If you’re not sure if you need a permit, find out first. A pleasant phone call and a $35 permit fee are much preferable to a steep fine or worse.

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“Lift with your legs, Hercules!”

Get someone to help with the heavy lifting. It’s okay — no one expects anyone on set to be Hercules…

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…or change Time and Space.

No matter how cool the makeup effects are, find out how long they take to apply and how long they last under hot lights. Factor that into your schedule.

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Radio-controlled is just askin’ for trouble, though.

If you’re going to use a puppet or build a model to be manipulated with strings or wires, make the strings removable at the model or puppet, so that if you’re doing a shot that doesn’t need this or that wire, you can physically remove it.

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“Hey, who is that guy?!”

Have your background extras dress and appear as generic as possible. This includes clothing, hair, whatever. If you notice them, they’re doing it wrong.

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You could always use a film camera, too.

If you want your video to look like film, one of the most effective choices you can make is to light it like film.

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Target: Good boundaries!

If you want to get a little experience under your belt, browsing online classifieds (such as Craigslist, Mandy, etc.) can help you find productions in your area that are crewing or casting. Usually, they pay little or nothing, but if you’re just starting to learn, this sort of experience can be invaluable.

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Plus, it adds adventure to your life!

Find those people who — when presented with a problem — ask “How can we make this work so we can keep moving forward?” Those are great people to have on set. Cultivate those connections.

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And check for humming technicians, too.

If you’re getting a hum in your sound, replace your cables with shielded cables, or new cables, or at least don’t run them next to or across power cables. Make sure they’re properly grounded.

Certain tasks should never be randomly assigned.

If you have a pyrotechnical device, never leave the arming key in the firing system if you have to walk away from it… NO EXCEPTIONS. And yes, you have an arming key, the removal of which will make the effect impossible to trigger. Of course you do.

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Study the Secrets!

A great source of quickie tutorials is the B&H site: BHPhotoVideo.com.

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Nobody Wins Anyway

Don’t fight. Seriously. Yes, there will be disagreements. Yes, there will be frustrations. Yes, there will be setbacks. That is normal. But please, don’t fight about it. There’s no need to yell or shout or scream or whinge on.

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Who needs a working brain?!

You know those little adapters that let you plug a three-prong plug into a two-hole socket? Don’t use those.

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Stop mumbling!

There are a lot of things you can fix in editing, but crappy line delivery isn’t one of them.

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But never allow a brogue delivery!

If you’re actors want to try a variation of a line, get the scripted line first, and then let them try their variations (assuming you have the time, of course).

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Sometimes all of the above.

For certain types of shots, recognize when more is better and communicate that to your crew. For example, more gore, more blood, more vomit, more air coming out of the wind machine.

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And it’s rarely in HD.

You might think having a setpiece that consists of video monitors tracking action all over a location is a cool thing, and in a lot of ways it can be, but think of each one of those video feeds as a completely separate short movie you have to make before you make the movie.

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…assuming you have a trailer.

The night before a shoot, check all costumes, props, locations, actors, gear, food, and crew. make sure everything’s ready. Make sure batteries are charging, tapes are striping*, etc.

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Unless it’s a really masterful master shot…

Don’t spend all your time getting the master shot. A master shot is important, true, but you need to get coverage, other angles, lots of things for your editor to use.

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Unless it’s a convertible.

Always lock your car doors when you go on set, and keep valuable hidden. Better yet, keep valuables either at home or on your person. Sure, it’s a closed set, and sure, everybody’s buddies, and sure, there’s Security keeping an eye on everything, but still. Lock your car.

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Stranger Danger!

If it’s not a small set or a closed set (well, why isn’t it?), make sure that the people who are supposed to be there (cast & crew) have badges or some other clear and obvious identifier. Everybody should keep their eyes out for people who don’t have this identifier.

Explosive charges might not be a good idea.

Actors should never be allowed to take costume gear off set. You don’t have to keep their clothes hostage, but it can help.

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Finger-count must remain consistent.

Everybody working lights should get a pair of gloves. Even a cheap-o dollar-store pair of gloves is better than nothing. Lights can get very hot and you don’t want second-degree burns becoming a “badge of honor” on your sets. Spring for gloves.

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Eating’s kind of disgusting to watch.

Continuity’s even more important: Dinner scenes are really, really challenging because you have to make sure chicken legs don’t magically heal from one scene to the next. Pay close attention to who is eating what — or just plan to shoot around the plates.

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And then get back to work on the next one.

Make a big noise when you finish something. Celebrate, dammit — finishing a movie is a Significant Event!

Or none, for that matter.

Continuity’s still important! If you’re using a revolver in your movie, make sure the bullet counts are accurate. Nothing makes you look more dorky than a character talking about how she only has one bullet left when the viewer can plainly see five.

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And always look at jewelry.

Continuity’s important. For each “movie” day, make a quick sketch of what each character’s wearing and make sure you double-check that sketch against what you’re shooting. This is not something you can easily fix in post.

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That’s not technically a “special effect,” there…

Regarding cables, lights, power supplies and other things plugged into the wall: These things should not get hot. If they feel hot to you, tell someone immediately. You don’t want them getting any hotter, and you definitely don’t want them to start smoking or burst into flame.

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Artsy blue-green color grading notwithstanding…

If you’re using a monitor (which you are, right?), then do your best to calibrate it. Calibration is simply setting the contrast, brightness, color levels, and other controls to be as accurate as possible.

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Do you see what I see?

Always use a monitor so that you can see what the camera sees without making your DoP move. On rare occasions, a monitor is contraindicated, but those are very rare occasions. You always want to know what the camera’s seeing.

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No, higher than that.

If you must use a sprinkler to simulate rain, position it high enough so it doesn’t look like someone’s peeing on your actors.

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Plus, they eat your food.

Yes, being on a film set can be fun, but think very hard before allowing people on set who are neither cast not crew. They can be dangerous wildcards.

“Oh, we thought he was with you!“

Spooky locations where mischief can happen invite mischief, such as dark woods, insane asylums, corn mazes, etc. Assign people to buddy groups for safety.

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Be a good camper!

If you’re shooting at a natural location, such as a beach or a forest, when you’re all done, pass out trash bags and everybody wander around picking up trash and making it prettier. Not just your production’s stuff, but spread out. Make your group the Entropy Decreasing Group.

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Not so great for adult films, though.

If you want someone to move very, very creepy in a movie, have them move backwards and reverse the video. If they move quickly, the illusion is blown, but if they move slowly and in a somewhat linear fashion, the audience won’t q-u-i-t-e know what’s going on, and that’ll freak ‘em out.

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And who really needs a highly trained cat with what CGI can do these days…?

Seagulls will act for breadcrumbs. So will pigeons and doves (even in slow motion!).

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Everybody pays attention to loud rain.

If you’re filming something that’s supposed to take place when it’s raining, get everything wet. Roads, sets, actors, everything. People might or might not notice rain on the video, but they will notice things not being wet.

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And wear boots!

Find out before you go how far a hike it is out to the location. Make sure everybody knows — you don’t want to lose an hour hiking at the wrong part of the day.

You really need those fingers.

It is okay to call a halt if you don’t feel a pyro or other effect is safe, or you suddenly see something that looks very wrong. It may screw up the shot, but wasting time or money is far preferable to wasting lives.

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We can replace interns!

Tape every cord down, except for under the tripods and C-stands, lights, etc. You don’t want people tripping over cords.

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Avoid international castigation.

Unless there’s a voice coach involved, really think about it before you use non-native accents. People are usually excited being in a movie and will go overboard and their lines pretty much become unintelligible.

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Plus, celebrating is fun.

If you find out it’s someone’s birthday, take five and congratulate ’em, as a crew. Birthdays are fun.

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Or it can be a DVD extra!

Stick with the ending you planned.

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Or call it an “art piece”

If you’re wearing a portable mike, learn how to shut it off before you go to the bathroom.

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It sure would save time if we could really do this, though…

Security camera footage usually comes from high in corners. Please don’t just re-use normal footage when simulating a security camera. Strap a Handicam or something up in the corner and do it right. It’s just another angle.

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Bang!

If an effect demonstration is going to make noise, warn people ahead of time so they don’t freak out and think something’s gone wrong. Freaking out should be avoided.

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You didn’t read this here.

I’m not going to tell you not to film without insurance, because that would be very unwise. That said, many of us find that expediency, budget, and wisdom don’t always go hand-in-hand.

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Nobody wants to use tubes.

The easier it is to get in and out of your ground-breaking weird sci-fi costumes, the less the actors will curse your name whenever they have to pee.

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Somewhere, there’s a big box of tribbles.

Having extra props means you have extra gifts at the end of production to give particularly hard-working people. People love souvenirs. Sure, maybe they end up selling them on e-Bay, but think of it as trickle-down economics.

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A tip o’ the hat…

Unless there’s something hidden under the hats, avoid hats on characters. All you’ll get is a lot of hat-acting.

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Although the outtakes are awesome!

If it’s an intense scene, try to not crack jokes getting ready for it.

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It’s like being a superhero.

If you’re crewing, bring a pair of gloves. Even cheapo dollar store gloves.

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Unless the price of gold skyrockets.

There’s usually a difference in quality between really, really cheap cables and reasonably priced cables.

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Plus, you live in a glass house.

Even if you had a crappy time on set, keep it to yourself.

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“Stable” means “tripod,” by the way.

You can use an ordinary digital camera as an animation camera, as long as you can set it for the proper resolution and remote-shutter it.

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But not all in the same closet, please.

Make sure your location has running water, sinks, toilets, garbage service, and toilet paper. If it doesn’t, you need to supply this yourself.

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Stretch those chewy hamstrings!

Before you do stunts or other physically demanding action, take a few minutes to stretch and limber up. There’s a reason zombie hunters do it!

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Hush!

If you can hear “Quiet on the set!” before a take, then that includes you.

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Naked sets are boring.

Dress your set. Walls have pictures, tables have things on them, shelves are sometimes in disarray.

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We’ve got the pow-ah!

Your location owner might have to lock their doors after a certain time, but if you ask nice, they might let you run an extension cord or two out through a little hole. Then, you can leave ’em coiled up after you’re done and come by in the morning and pick all your cords back up.

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Still, we managed.

If you’re going out on location, set up all your gear first, at the studio or at home, and then break it down into your van or car. This way, you know you have everything you need in the transport vessel.

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What did you expect for Tip #69?!

Don’t sleep with your leads, your stars. Sure, they’re attractive as crazy, but right now, your priority is making a movie.

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Choose Wisely

Trust your Assistant Director. If you can’t, then at least figure out what your expectations should be and make sure the two of you are on the same page. If your AD is both untrustworthy and unpredictable, get a new AD.

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And now, a moment of silence…

Get at least one minute of clean ambient sound from every location. This is very important.

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Don’t be shocked!

Fix or repair broken cords, and do it right. If you can’t do it right, then cut them up and throw them away.

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Including conversations between takes, mind you…

Whoever’s holding the microphone boom pole needs headphones. They must be able to hear what the microphone’s picking up.

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Tension Breeds Resentment

When taping cables and cords down, always leave a very generous series of loops at each C-stand, tripod, or workstation. This is so you can move stuff around without retaping.

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Remember, though, that power corrupts.

If you don’t know who your boss is on set, then your boss is the Director. This doesn’t mean who gets to boss you around, it means who helps keep you steady-on with your piece of the big puzzle.

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The Wind Sounded Great!

ADR (depending on who you ask) is Automatic Dialogue Replacement. That’s when your actors come in to the studio and record lines over the outside crappy recording from on set. Pretty much every time you record outside, or in a noisy environment (such as a non-studio), you’re going to have to record ADR. Just plan for it.

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Keep an eye on the right things at the right times.

Always check your monitor to make sure you’re happy with your framing, but after that, watch your actors.

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The “Scotty Method” isn’t real.

If the makeup you want is going to take half an hour or an hour to apply, plan for that time. Don’t assume your makeup person is lying about how long it’ll take.

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Leave No Trace!

It’s worth it to buy actual gaffer’s tape. Duct tape leaves a residue and you don’t want that residue on your gear, on your cords, on your host’s carpets, walls, or furniture. Gaffer’s tape is clean.

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Still not a safety line, however…

When connecting one extension cord to another, or an extension cord to a light, try to always tie the cords in a knot before connecting them. That way, if the cords are pulled in opposite directions, they tighten instead of pulling loose.

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“Sudden Massive Tissue Loss” +100 points!

When loading shells in a mortar, try to drop them in with your non-dominant hand (if you’re right-handed, drop with the left hand). That way, if you experience Sudden Massive Tissue Loss, you still have your favorite hand.

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When’s the last time you read the script?

Your Script Supervisor is supposed to get in your face and interfere — their job is to make sure you aren’t screwing anything up. Listen to what’s being said.

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The world needs more ‘Lerts.

Be secure. Lock your personal stuff in your car or keep it on your person.

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“Fourple”

On a low budget movie set, a lot of people have double, triple, or fourple duties. On a low budget set, “fourple” is a word. No matter what you’re supposed to be doing, chances are, you’ll wind up doing some other things, too.

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Wish there was a spray for ‘em.

Watch out for drama queens. Drama belongs in front of the camera, not behind it. If they are indispensable, contain them severely. If they are not indispensable, dispense with them.

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Like peas in a pod.

The Director, the AD, and the Cinematographer should always get on well with each other. Find time to make that happen.

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Yes, even a nuke.

If you must have a live weapon on set, such as a pistol, or a shotgun, or a nuclear weapon, have one expert dedicated to babysitting that object. They must never let it out of their sight. Pay attention to what they have to say. If they say the actor is being unsafe, fix the actor — don’t shush the expert.

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You Can Always Shake it in Post!

Get a tripod! Battlestar: Galactica was a fluke — if you don’t lock that camera down, you’re going to make your viewers queasy. You can pan and tilt and even dolly if you have one, but unless you have a real good compelling reason, please, please, please get that camera on the sticks!

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Even at the dollar store!

If you can’t pipe your sound into your camera, borrow a camera with a microphone jack and use that to record audio. There is no real difference between a ’spensive 16-bit digital recorder and a 10-year old Handicam that records sound in 16 bits. Except, well, cost.

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The Shadow tells…

When shooting with a greenscreen, make sure the model is away from the screen. You don’t want any light reflected back from the greenscreen onto your model. Your effects person will bless your heart, assuming they’re on set.

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Although it’s good to know who’s hungry.

Internal microphones suck. Never use the microphone that’s attached to the camera body.

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The operative word is “steady”!

A cheap-ass steadicam you built using $15 worth of parts is better than no stabilizing tool at all, especially if you practice diligently with it, but it’s not a $1000 Steadicam, and it’s not realistic to compare the two. Make do with what you’ve got.

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Get. The. Shot.

There are three words that should drive everything in Production: “Get the shot.” The only two types of activities on set are activities that help get the shot and activities that are preventing the shot. Keep the former going, and minimize the latter. Food belongs to the former category, by the way.

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Think of it as “Contemplative Time”

If you can’t cut around bad acting, the best you can hope for is to be saved by your cutaways, and by the reaction shots of other actors. Another alternative is to rewrite the scene on-the-fly to be one of those moody contemplative scenes with billowing cloth and slow-motion cigarette smoke. I suggest you grab lots of cutaways, though.

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Tongues are irreplaceable.

In a pinch, shop light’s do just fine. The color balance is great and they’re cheap as hell. Every home improvement place has ’em. You have to take off those little grills, but you probably would figure that out on your own.

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Sugar is Power.

Bagels and doughnuts are not the same thing. Not even close. No amount of goo spread on a bagel makes it a doughnut. It’s still a bagel, only now it’s a bagel covered in schmeer. If your crew asks for doughnuts, give them doughnuts.

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